KIX 103.3 FM

REAL RESUMES, REAL STUPID Collected from hiring managers. None of these are made up!

• I am very detail-oreinted.
• My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
• Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
• Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
• It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
• Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
• I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
• If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
• My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.
• Please disregard the attached resume — it is terribly out of date.
• Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
• Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
• Previous experience: Self-employed. A fiasco.
• I am a rabid typist. I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
• Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
• I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
• Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
• Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.
• Special skills: Thyping.
• Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.
• Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
• Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
• Referees available upon request.
• I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.
• Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
• Vocational plans: Sea World.